Learning to love myself took many years. Discovering that I needed to, has taken almost my whole life, thus far.
Wandering through my ‘mind’s files’, as I call it, I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t trying to please someone to earn their love. How could they love me. They didn’t know who I really was. I didn’t know who I was.
Fast forward to 2010 (keeping the above information in mind). My mother was diagnosed with terminal colon cancer. She won the battle a few years earlier; however, the cancer returned. This time, it would be what took her life. After 7 months of watching my mother go from lively and able to care for herself, to an unconscious skeleton, my heart felt as if it were ripped out of my chest. God chose to call home the only person that knew me, and still loved me.
Needless to say, I didn’t take loosing my mom gracefully. I felt cheated. I felt lonely. Mom’s death also made the loss of my dad, real again. Dad was called home 10 years earlier by a tragic accident. He drove a truck for a living and ran off the road carry tons of steel and it killed him instantly.
With no parents in this big, cold world, I made a mess of my life, because I wouldn’t allow myself grieve. I didn’t want to except mom not being a phone call away. So I didn’t. I turned my life, and so many other’s lives upside down. My book, “A Time to Keep and a Time to Throw Away”, en-tales all the ugly drama I caused.
When I hit rock bottom, there was no place left to go, and only one way to get out of the pit. Upward. Praying to ask for God’s forgiveness and help was my first good decision. Counseling seem like a second good choice. My counselor counseled and counseled me until I wrapped my mind around what he was trying to tell me all along.
I needed to learn to love myself; better yet, be myself. The people who truly love me, will love me for who I am. I found my worth in God, and I find out more each day. I started making good decisions in my life.
Now, I have a wonderful life full of love for myself and people who love me. I found out who I was and I find out more each day as I become closer to God, read His Word, and share blogs with all who will read. Sharing my stories with you guys is my ministry and mission in life.
I am not perfect, and NEVER will be. That doesn’t mean that I am not learning and striving each day to do God’s will for my life. I begin some days by writing words from Scripture in the palm of my hand, so those things will be right in my face all day. I mess up, I ask for forgiveness, and I start again the next day. I found my happiness and joy. It was in me, all the time. I just had to accept it.